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Faithful Guide

Dec. 31st, 2037 | 23:59

My entries go from Public to Friends Only kind-of willynilly/as I see fit at the time; feel free to add me, though.
I also have subgroup f-lists, one for sketchdumps and one for writing junk, just let me know if you want to be on either.

Open | Refuse thy name 3 still smell as sweet |

Hello (I'm alive).

Jul. 5th, 2010 | 13:35

I just never use this thing.
I never did very much in the first place.

I think I don't get off on talking, venting, or airing my grievances to the world. I'm a private person. I only talk to communicate, and have better means to do so than this.

Most anyone should know the things I've been up to, but in short (since my last posts, several months ago) :

My last living grandparent died during this past winter. No grief from me, I dealt with her departure many years ago. That side of the family is having a big memorial/internment thing this summer (couple of weeks from now). Bunch of the fam' will be down home from away.

I got a Genius tablet for christmas from my brothers. It's pretty sweet. Also, courtesy of Mr. E, is another new electronic family member -- Baby; a shiny black external HDD, close to a tera.
Related, my faithful, broken-to-shit Acer laptop, Dylan, finally kicked the bucket last month. I'll have a shiny new Dell lady in two to three weeks.

I gained a bunch of weight, unfortunately. Bad combination of probably eating too much and medications. Off the medications (which I wanted to quit anyhow) now, and I've started to lose some of it. Still a lot more to go before the autumn, though.

Still no definitive diagnosis on the health front, but I don't know that there ever will be. My GP has finally said that it's most likely "fibromyalgia or something similar", and that's probably the most I'll get out of him. I'm on medication that's supposed to help reduce pain at nerve level, but so far it's not doing anything (except making me irritable).

I spend/plan to spend half my time (six months out of the year) down in Massachusetts. I'd been down for a month in November, and was back down for three months this past winter/spring. I'll be back down again in the autumn.
There were some connections with people in the area I was supposed to make, and I totally skipped out on them -- if you're reading, I'm sorry. I try not to be a flake, but I'm nervous/antisocial, and down-right scared a lot of the time, and I just can't deal.
Adrian, I don't know what the situation will be like next time I'm down, because I still don't know when that'll be. Hopefully we can hang for a bit at some point, this time. You don't count as one of the aforementioned connections.
Ao, you better hit me up if you're ever on the east coast. I'll be around, somewhere.

I think that's the gist of everything. Two years in August, but I never do know how much of it "counts"; I've partly given up trying to give any meaning to a length of time, it seems too much like it moves differently for everyone else.

Open | Refuse thy name |

wallpaper meme

Dec. 1st, 2009 | 22:57

Nabbed from cardboardhead

☞ Anyone who looks at this entry has to post this meme and their current wallpaper.
☞ Explain in no more than five sentences why you're using that wallpaper!
☞ Don't change your wallpaper before doing this! The point is to see what you had on!

Why WOULDN'T this br my wallpaper? Two page spread from Black Mango by NEIL.

Open | Refuse thy name |

Writer's Block: Regrets Only

Jun. 5th, 2009 | 12:22

Do you think that animals feel regret?

Yes and no.

No, not in a conscious, internalised way. Neither do a lot of people, so it's not really discounting them much. A lot of animals will, after being reprimanded or doing something that they have been reprimanded for in past, act in a fashion that most people register as regret, remorse or guilt. It's a learned response that they connect with doing whatever it is that they've done. Scolding/yelling/reprimanding is bad, something they want to avoid, and when it comes about it presents a situation where they are "publicly" displayed as the submissive/inferior.

On the other hand, you'll find that with most humans -- they show regret, remorse or guilt for the exact same reason: because they know they'll get in trouble. It has nothing to do with genuine, internalised remorse, but is rather a learned behaviour. They regret doing something which will be preceived as bad by others, especially more dominant or superior forces, as it will result in something bad for themselves. This doesn't mean that they regret the action itself.

I don't discount the possibility that some animals are capable of feeling genuine regret. Non-human primates, dolphins and pigs all have intelligence levels very close to humans, and it's not an impossible suggestion. Still, there are a lot of humans who've never felt true regret so I'm not sure that it means too much of anything; Pavlovian therapy seems to be enough.

Open | Refuse thy name |

Can you take me back where I came from

Jun. 3rd, 2009 | 18:28
written to: The Beatles; entire White Album

Honey pie you are making me crazy
I'm in love but I'm lazy
So won't you please come home.
Oh honey pie my position is tragic
Come and show me the magic
of your Hollywood song.

Uhh, I was in Newfoundland for a week. Brother's graduation/convocation ceremony.

I joined artslam. 92 days of focused drawing. To be honest, lately just drawing a couple of sketches pretty-well takes it all out of me. I haven't been feeling sick, and pain's pretty minimal, but I've just been exhausted/run down. All my posts will be found on this page, anyway, since I'm not sure I'm going to be posting up my drawings for/from it anywhere else. That is basically only relevant to Adrian, ahah.

I need to make up a Wants/Needs list to sate my mum and probably Aaron; I turn 21 in about three weeks, fff. I'm not that interested in birthdays, I don't know. They make me feel guilty on some level, I suppose, and on another, I don't understand the targeted celebration of them.
I'm just me; shove off.

Super fun fact: I've been washing my hair with tarmac for the past two weeks.
Not really tarmac, no. But something made from coal tar. I love having skin diseases. Also, it makes my hair darker, and is possibly carcinogenic.

Feeling pretty gross lately, anyway. I've put a lot of weight back on over the past few months, and there's not a lot I can do about it, other than reducing my food intake to as little as I can get by on, but honestly I've just been too tired to care lately. I constantly feel like I'm on the verge of crashing. Even the energy it takes for my body to digest food is more than enough to stop me from being able to do anything.

Pete? I need your new mailing address.
Also must bake cookies for Adrian (do you have any allergies?) (I swear they'll actually get to you this time. HAVING YOUR ADDRESS HELPS.)
Wanted to go fishing this summer, but it's not going to happen ): Hopefully get to go strawberry picking?

Things which occupy my time:
Wolfram Alpha
It's A Nice Day Today
Shopping Cart Hero

Recently loved blogs:
Small Notebook: Encouragement for a Simple Home
Fed By Birds

How can I ever misplace you
How I want you
Oh I love you
You know that I need you

Open | Refuse thy name 1 still smell as sweet |

What I've Been Reading

May. 19th, 2009 | 20:26

Yeah I did that thing where I stopped posting on LJ after a very short stint of trying to post regularly. Everything's just too much for me sometimes, despite the fact that I have very, very little going on.

REGARDLESS, I've been meaning to make this post for a while---things I have read so far this year, and things I plan to read soon.

Books : Read

Man of Bone by Alan Cumyn
    An incredibly intense book, to say the least. I'll call it 'modern day fiction'. You live in the head and nightmares of protagonist Bill Burridge, a worker for the Canadian embassy on the fictional South Pacific island of Santa Irene, as he is held captive by a rebel faction for nine months. Disturbing, depressing, heartwrenching.

The Shining by Stephen King
    Blew the film away. Easily the second most disturbing book I've ever read, and it reads like a dream. Third person, subjective omniscience, you're flipped back and forth between the lives of the major characters, reviewing and recounting different events from their point of view. The film may stand on its own, but the horror within pales in comparison.

Lord of the Flies by William Golding
    I'm sure I read this before. I knew the beginning, and the ending, but somehow paid little mind to everything that happened in between? Everyone knows this one, anyway. Worth reading, if you haven't. Still, it irks me that the one thing people always say about it is that Piggy dies, or that they kill Piggy. Technically, one person -- who was a skeevy creep right from the beginning -- murders Piggy. That aside, why the fuck does no one care that Simon gets brutally beaten and left for dead by the entire group?

Watership Down by Richard Adams
    Finally, finally! I saw the film when I was very, very young and have been wanting to read the novel ever since. It did not disappoint. I don't think I could ever re-watch the cartoon (maybe, I remember very little of it), but in retrospect, the film was a fairly good adaptation. For those of you who don't know: It's about a bunch of rabbits. Yep. It is not nearly as lame as it sounds, and quite frankly, I'm pretty sure Richard Adams could beat Brian Jacques in a duel. A... silly.. serious animal fiction. Duel. Yeah. You heard me.

Books : Reading

Voyage of the Fox Rider by Dennis L. McKiernan
    One of McKiernan's many novels surrounding the world of Mithgar. McKiernan's Mithgar is comparable to Tolkien's Middle-earth; a fantasy vision of our world in times long past, before the other races/species were driven out by the deeds and overwhelming nature of Man/Humans. I've attempted to read this multiple times over the past few years, but just never could get into it, for whatever reason. I'm not sure why, now, since I'm rather enjoying it. It's nothing too epic or extreme or amazing, but it's a pretty good read.

Books : Waiting List

The Fionavar Tapestries (omnibus) by Guy Gavriel Kay
    It'll actually be my second time reading it -- but it's been nearly ten years since the first time, so I can't exactly recall much about it. Like McKiernan's Mithgar series, The Fionavar Tapestries is more Tolkien-tradition High Fantasy, where multiple worlds/planes exist. It surrounds five young adults and their adventures as they're taken from their (our) world into that of Fionavar, and find that much more is expected of them than they could ever have guessed. Actually, it's a bit like The Chronicles of Narnia, except they're Canadian, much older, and there's lots of sex.

Uther by Jack Whyte
    Another that I've tried to read multiple times and just couldn't get into, for whatever reason. I know the first couple of chapters very well! It's Book 7 in The Camulod Chronicles, none of which I've read, but oh well. Delicious, extremely violent historical fiction.

Running With Scissors by Augusten Burroughs
    Burroughs' memoir of his adolescent years, written using journals he kept at the time. Some of it involves his life before his parents separated, but most of it takes place after that, when his mother gives custody of him to her psychiatrist. Some of you may be familiar with the film of the same name, which is, yes, based on this book, and yes, honestly based on true events.

Right Away Monday by Joel Thomas Hynes
    I haven't started this yet so I have no idea what it's about or what it's like, other than that I'm fairly certain it's narrated in first person, and the whole damn thing is written in a heavy Newfie accent. It follows the life of the narrator/main character (I don't dare call him the protagonist), Clayton Reid, for a year or so while he acts like a general moronic fuckup: drinking, shooting up, sometimes working, being an ignorant jackass, and sleeping around.

Vinyl Cafe Diaries by Stuart McLean
    I pity you poor people who don't know the joys of Stuart McLean and the Vinyl Cafe. It's a weekly radio show featuring Canadian music, stories from listeners, and, most importantly, they have what this book is about: stories about Dave and his family. Dave is simple man who owns a second hand record store, and mostly tries to be a good person and not screw up too much in the process. He doesn't often succeed at that, but he certainly does try.

Webcomics : Read(ing)
I know I've posted webcomic links lots of times before, and I've mentioned most of these before, but this is just going to be ones that I actually make a point of keeping up with.

The Abominable Charles Christopher by Karl Kerschl

Three Plane Soul by Ian McConville & Matt Boyd

Girls With Slingshots by Danielle Corsetto

Questionable Content by Jeph Jacques

Templar, Arizona by Charlie Trotman

Hark! A Vagrant by Katen Beaton

The Meek by Der-Shing Helmer

Kukuburu by Ramón Pérez

Prydwen by Lynn Hogan

Open | Refuse thy name 4 still smell as sweet |

Happy belated, Herr Marx.

May. 6th, 2009 | 21:01
written to: Empire of Lights - Fortuna

Yesterday was Karl Marx's birthday.

Today, though, today, I received in the mail a free c.d. of music from Empire of Lights.

Late spring and early summer are 'good' seasons for me, in that my pain levels are considerably reduced, so I decided to counter this by inflicting some; I've been helping my father every other day in building a deck for my aunt and her husband. It wasn't too bad until I spent Monday mixing and shoveling concrete for 11 hours. Four 8' tall tapered PVC sonotubes to be filled, eleven bags to fill each one, two bags per load (mixing in a wheelbarrow with a shovel), 55lbs/25kg per bag.
It was a sweet time. Probably not as physically demanding of me as people have assumed though. I know I'm podgy and not able to do much most of the time, but it's not as though I'm lacking in muscle. It's just a matter of being able-bodied enough to use it.

Welfare. Been thinking about it an awful lot. Why do I not have more Canadians on my LJ? I can't really find any substantial information regarding it -- or not information which answers the particular questions I have. There's also the bringing it up; my father's fine with it, but my mum won't like the suggestion of it one bit, even so she's aware that I don't have any other options at present.

Finances. I've been avoiding payments like an idiot because I'm terrified and pretty low on both funds and ideas. As soon as I submit my interest relief papers to the company that now handles student loans, I'll be expected to pay out between 170$ and 190$ a month for my loan payments and mobile bill, and that's making minimum payments. I don't have enough to cover more than five, maybe 6 months of that. After that I'm. What am I supposed to do?

To help me completely ignore my plight and oncoming fatality, I've been watching older animated films:Waiting in the wings to be watched are:I'm also thinking of piratey-thieving a couple more of Bluth's works, but haven't yet. Anyway, any further suggestions for childish films along these lines are appreciated, especially if it's something I haven't seen or heard of before.

I'm an e-faggot for adorable internet pets. Awwwyeah click&grows, via Squiby.net.

Open | Refuse thy name |

Oh God

Apr. 24th, 2009 | 20:40

I now know the feeling of impending doom.

Vorona; heartache. says (20:36):
    I hope Pete gets this apartment.

Ashley says (20:36):
    he'll be a quincy boy

Ashley says (20:36):
    but it's quite promising getting it

Ashley says (20:37):
    i consulted him on my birthday gift idea for you and congratulated him on finding an apartment maybe lol

Ashley says (20:37):
    then he gave me a whole new idea to add to my previous idea

Vorona; heartache. says (20:37):
    ): that is never good

Vorona; heartache. says (20:37):
    he has lots of ideas

    and they are rarely good

Ashley says (20:38):
    no megg, this idea was perfect

Ashley says (20:38):
    i couldn't believe i didn't think it

Ashley says (20:38):
    he knows you well

Open | Refuse thy name |

Lamb of God, Give us Peace // Links of the Week

Apr. 13th, 2009 | 20:02
written to: Horatio Tiberius Caine

agnus dei; agnus dei; qui tollis peccata mundi...

Warning: Don't date me. I'm an unstable jackass and will do my best to hurt you, probably just to see if you feel.

VideoJug: Life explained. On film.
    Need to fix your car, or just trying to figure out your computer? Want to know when your friends are lying to you, whether or not the girl you're chatting up actually likes you, or just how to make dinner? VideoJugs explains anything you need to know about getting through life -- in short, friendly films.

    "Instructables is a web-based documentation platform where passionate people share what they do and how they do it, and learn from and collaborate with others." Whether you need help with your recent build project, or you're looking for idea for your next one, explore and test the knowledge of the Instructables community.

LifeHacker: Tips & Downloads for Getting Things Done
    Life! Such a complicated necessity. Make it easier with LifeHacker.

Open Source as Alternative
    Looking for some open source (read: free) alternatives to expensive commercial programmes? Find them at OSalt.com.

    From the people who brought you Mind Hacks, along with some choice other contributers, comes the MindHacks weblog. Bringing you the best in modern neuroscience and psychology, to help you understand how your mind works, and how the people who already know are using it against you.

For Those Who Want To Know
    Slip-ups, cover-ups, conspiracies and manipulations; all the reliable facts you need to feed you paranoia.

TED: Ideas Worth Spreading
    The annual TED (Technology, Education, Design) conference brings together some of the brightest, innovative and inspiring minds of our time. See the best of these talks and performances online, for free.

Librarian Chick
    "Free resources for those with big brains and small pocketbooks!" Specifically useful for students of all ages, LibraryChick brings you the resources you need to make things a little easier, for free.

The Elegant Universe
    In 24 four to ten minute segments, watch PBS/NOVA's The Elegant Universe, a three-part mini-series which explores Einstein and String Theory, based on the book of the same name host Briane Greene.

...dona nobis pacem; dona nobis pacem; pacem

Open | Refuse thy name 2 still smell as sweet |

Interview Meme

Apr. 10th, 2009 | 09:14

1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by asking you 5 questions of a very personal nature.
3. You will update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this and an offer to interview someone else in the post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed you will ask them 5 questions.

Interview questions from bluttee; first question/answer ommitted from public view.

2. Have you ever done any drugs? Did you like being under the influence of any drugs?
    That would depend on what you mean by drugs. Alcohol's a drug, and I do drink. Not often, but I tend to drink a lot when I do. I'm a genetic alcoholic. If I've been dry for a while, I can drink probably about as much as an average person before I get tipsy. If I've been drinking even on a semi-regular basis for a bit, a quart of vodka in a night is nothing. I don't like being drunk, so I avoid getting to that point. Usually alcohol just makes me more talkative, and kind-of sleepy. I do enjoy it, but I tend to avoid it.

    I haven't got much else in my drug repetoire. Lots of prescription medications which have done nothing to me, or just made me sick to my stomach. There's some OTC allergy medication I take sometimes which knocks me out -- or if I'm taking it regularly over a day or two, it does get me high. Which is okay and relaxing but not super interesting. I'm supposed to be on Cipralex (aka Lexapro) as well, which helps keep me level and stops my paranoia and anxiety from getting out of control, and usually decreases nervous habits (rocking, picking at things, hair plucking, etc.) but doesn't particularly change my personality or how I am otherwise, other than that I'm not so scared and nervous of silly things like people I haven't seen in a while, or public places, or anything.

    But as far as illegal DRUGS R BAD drugs, uhh not really. A lot of the friends I had in high school (fuck that, a lot of the friends I have now) did, I just had no interest in it, and by most reports, I make more sense to my friends when they're high, and we have better conversations. Most people in high school assumed I did drugs just by how I am, and I was frequently mistaken for being cooked out of my tree when I was perfectly sobre. Most people saw this (especially combined with the fact that my parents have told me, on several occassions, that they'd rather I smoke pot than drink alcohol) as a "Oh god, then why don't you do drugs", I guess in a it-would-be-all-the-more-crazier sense; however, it only ever brought me to the conclusion of Fuck That. I don't need drugs. I'm perfectly off my rocker without them.
    * Memory: Two of my friends once accidentally hotboxed their apartment while I was there. I didn't really mind because really I love the smell of weed (oh god love it so much), but the result wasn't enjoyable. I just got really, really tired, and couldn't remember/pay attention to anything when I was awake.

    Basically, no, but when I have they pretty much just make me sleepy.

3. What is something you are proud of yourself for? A trait in yourself you wish you saw in more people?
    This is probably among the most difficult questions anyone could ask me.
    Usually when I feel proud, it's for someone else's achievements. I'm more proud of my friends and the people I know for every good decision and personal victory they make/have than I ever am of myself.
    When I feel proud of myself it's for doing little things, things that are normal for most people and should be normal for me, but just.. aren't, for whatever reason: going to bed at a regular/"normal" time and getting up between 7 and 10 in the morning, for several days in a row. Having energy and ambition to do something during the day and actually doing something. Being physically comfortable with myself while with the boyfriend. Going out with friends (this isn't even necessarily going out in public somewhere, just me leaving my house to go to theirs). Finishing a book. Doing the dishes. Going to a public place (walking downtown, going to a store) by myself or even with others and not having an anxiety attack.
    Silly little things that are usually difficult for me, but are normal conduct for your average human.

    I guess I realise that, aside from not being particularly physically or mentally stable at present, I'm not quite what's considered normal, in regards to how I think or my social interactions with others. Or at least, that's what people have indicated to me. I don't know exactly how it is that I'm not, but no one will ever explain. Which is incredibly rude, since they're the ones who've informed me in the first place.
    In short: I'm really not sure. I've very rarely had any real interactions with.. average normal people. A bit in high school and college, I guess, but even then, extremely limited, as I associate with very few people, and the people I choose to associate with tend to be very far from average. I'm not meaning to suggest that there's anything inferior or superior about falling into one group or the other, just that it means that I have very little genuine idea about what sort of attitude and actions are and aren't considered social norm. I'll make guesses based on what people have told me:

    I wish people would be more direct and forward about what they think and feel, especially within their friendships and romantic relationships.
    Now, I don't mean lavishing love or being clingy or being whiny and sad all the time or anything like that, since that's really not being blunt or forward at all, it's just being emotional. What I mean is that I think it would do a lot of people a lot of good to let their logical mind get to know and understand their heart and emotions, and address them and express them in an honest way. Not bottling things up and moping about them, or getting angry and spiteful, or just trying to ignore an issue until it goes away. But actually recognising that there's a problem, taking the time to understand what the problem is and why it makes you feel like that, and having a discussion about it with the other person. It's not going to fucking well get sorted any other way, and it's just going to turn into a right mess and it'll be all your own goddamned fault (BUT that won't stop people from complaining further).

    I also wish people wouldn't love selfishly, and sugar-coat things.
    I support using tact when informing someone of something or discussing something with someone. It's often important, usually respectful, and not something I do well. But people have a tendency to do it completely wrong, and instead of using tact while addressing something, they're blatantly dishonest. Lying to someone may save their precious ego, but it's not going to help them in any way. It's also really fucking stupid if it's in a situation where they've asked you your opinion. A dishonest answer in any situation is more damaging than no answer at all.
    I had a several paragraph ramble about the state of love, but. Basically. One person's love for another should never be based on that person's love for them, or vice versa. If it is, you can bet that they don't honestly love the person.

    I'm not sure, because I'm pretty weird and have never really socialised with normal people.
    Address your feelings logically, be blunt and straight-forward with people, don't be dishonest to save someone's ego, and selfish love isn't love at all and is also really juvenile.

4. Do you believe in god?
    I don't believe in the JudeoChristian-Muslim god, if that's all this question is asking. I don't have any single particular defined belief and I think it's a bit silly to have one, but I guess a big part of "religious belief" is that you trust this being's existence despite lack of proof, as a sign of faith, but you know that sounds an awful lot like a cult based on lies and deceit and power and control to me. Anyway, uh. Yeah, no. I'm totally willing to accept the possibility that there is a higher power of some sort, sure. But in doing that I'm accepting any one or any combination of hundreds of thousands of different possibilities. However, of them, I will likely never believe Judaism, any form of Christianity, Islam, or ScienCultology. The latter is utterly ridiculous, and the former three are all far too well defined and distorted from the original truth to be true at all.

5. What is... your favorite candy? YES. THAT'S PERSONAL. VERY PERSONAL.
    I don't really have a favourite candy. I'm not a huge fan of chocolate -- I only really like chocolate which is candy coated, or cream filled, or has crispy rice or coconut in it.
    Candies though... Fuzzy Peaches, gummy worms, Chicken Bones, mints, any/all marshmallow sweets (including strawberry marshmallows and banana marshmallows), vanilla Charleston Chews, taffy (especially salt water taffy), and non-chocolate fudge.

Open | Refuse thy name 5 still smell as sweet |